A man and a woman–let’s call them Steven and Lisa–are making love. A 24-year-old mother of two children from two previous relationships, Lisa feels lucky to have found Steven, 28, who says he completely adores her–children, stretch marks and all. He’s not perfect, but the tall hunk with curly hair she met at a party at her girl’s house a month ago is stroking her so good, the fact that he’s unemployed and has two kids from two prior relationships of his own fades from her mind with every thrust.

The sex is so hot and passionate, it doesn’t take long for Lisa to climax. Again. Then again. And so does Steven.

This…is perfect… she thinks, lulled into a feeling of comfort in the afterglow of their union. As Steven holds her in his arms, she believes she’s falling in love and wonders if, as in previous relationships, what she has with him might be too good to be true.

Unfortunately for Lisa, it is.

Because what Lisa doesn’t know as she basks in the after rays of their lovemaking is, that chemicals released by her own body have made her a ready target for repeating the pattern that’s already left her a single mother–twice.

These chemicals, released by her brain every time she and Steven touch, kiss, cuddle and make love, are also the same chemicals that may cause her feelings for Steven to dangerously intensify.

Dangerous, because although Steven’s body releases these same chemicals, they don’t affect him as strongly as they do Lisa.

Three months from now, Lisa will find out she’s three months pregnant. She’ll also find out upon telling Steven the “good news” that the love she feels for Steven isn’t mutual. She pleads with Steven to work things out “for the baby,” but to him there was never anything to “work out”.

To her it was love. To him, it was lust.

Four months from now, Steven moves on to a different relationship, leaving Lisa alone to raise three children, another unfortunate victim blinded by the science of sex.

Addicted to Love

Love is an all consuming part of life, but only a few tiny parts of the brain are active in controlling it. These areas include the medial insula–an area associated with “gut” feelings–and part of the anterior cingulate, an area responsible for the euphoria induced by drugs like cocaine.

Love, in fact, makes your brain look and act in many ways, like a drug addict’s brain, and can produce extremely focused attention (toward a love partner) and feelings of extreme elation during the relationship–even mania.

This same area also releases dopamine and serotonin when we meet someone we find attractive, thus the initial spark that drew Steven to Lisa.

Once they became physical, however, that spark exploded into a full-blown flame, thanks to a heady mix of opiate-like chemicals released by these regions during sex along with a highly influential nueurohormone called oxytocin.

Oxytocin, also called the “cuddle hormone” is produced through touch. The more someone is touched, the higher their levels of oxytocin rise. The higher someone’s level of oxytocin rises, the greater their desire to be touched.

This positive feedback loop is thought to promote adult pair-bonding and co-parenting of children. Oxytocin is also released during childbirth, labor and breastfeeding in both mother and infant, which scientists believe plays a role in forming the maternal bond.

The emotional feelings oxytocin can produce are associated with affection, caring, love, peace, nurturing, security and attachment.

When Lisa and Steven first met, they didn’t have sex right away, but the dopamine-induced feelings of excitement released every time they hung out opened the door to holding hands, kissing and other forms of oxytocin drenched touch.

Within two weeks of meeting, they had the most incredible sex Lisa had ever had.

No Way To Control It, It’s Totally Automatic

Slightly thuggish and built like an athlete with hazel eyes, Steven didn’t have a job at the moment but with his degree in auto maintenance, he always had enough work on the side to give Lisa bill money here and there so she didn’t complain about him not pounding the pavement every day in search of stable employment.

She also loved the attention and compliments he showered on her, and the way he would even bring her flowers sometimes, just because.

When they had sex again, it was even better than the first time, and the third time was even better than the first two times combined.

Lisa was utterly infatuated and couldn’t get Steven off her mind. She would write his name over and over again in her poetry notebook, and got flushed just thinking about him. Sometimes, it was if Steven was all she could think about.

And this precisely is where the heart, so to speak, of Lisa’s problem lies.

When men are engaged in intimacy, their brains secrete a hormone called vasopressin, also referred to as the “monogamy hormone,” which can emotionally bind them to a woman and encourage him to become protective of her around other men.

And although both men’s and women’s brains release oxytocin, scientists speculate that women’s special relationship with oxytocin might cause a woman to emotionally bind herself to a man in an even stronger way.

Not only does the female brain have more oxytocin receptors, but oxytocin is also virtually powerless without estrogen, which naturally occurs in most women at much higher rates than it does in most men.

Pregnancy, which Lisa has already experienced four times (two of her pregnancies were aborted) is thought by researchers to increase the number of receptors a woman has.

What’s more, great sex, like the kind that is causing Lisa to fall heels over head in love with Steven, causes oxytocin levels to spike even higher. During orgasm men’s levels of oxytocin are said to rise 3-5 times, but women’s levels rise even more dramatically and continue to rise during each subsequent orgasm.

With Lisa’s history of motherhood combined with the toe-curling, multiple orgasms she was enjoying with Steven, it seemed inevitable that she would become an oxytocin fueled sex machine. And though there was the occasional heated argument–and those phone calls to Steven’s cell at all hours of the day and night–she couldn’t get enough of him.

Oxytocin, interestingly, plays a part in this too.

Once released by the brain, oxytocin decreases mental processes and impairs memory, which is why make-up sex usually soothes the savage conflict. Oxytocin released during the act induces a sort of blurry memory phase during which people tend to stop thinking about, or even forget, any pain or aggravation that caused the conflict to start with.

And, with help from the oxytocin touch-response feedback loop, the more sex Steven and Lisa had, the more they wanted, which multiplied Lisa’s probability of getting pregnant.

After two weeks of having sex with Steven, he told Lisa he wanted to stop using condoms. “I can’t feel anything,” Steven told her.

With the fact that, if he really couldn’t feel anything he wouldn’t have ejaculated every time they had sex flying completely over Lisa’s head, she agrees and, the first time Lisa and Steven have sex without a condom–an episode described at the beginning of this story–she gets pregnant.

It’s Like a Badge of Honor, To Be a Baby Mama

The night Lisa and Steven’s child was born, Steven was nowhere to be found. He wouldn’t return Lisa’s calls or Facebook messages, so she spent the entire first half of her labor–between Lamaze breaths–angrily putting him on blast on Twitter.

Still, that night as she laid in the hospital room breastfeeding their new daughter, all she could think about was Steven, especially when the baby looked at her with Steven’s hazel eyes.

Once home, she missed Steven terribly and found herself crying uncontrollably. She called her mom for some words of advice.

Her mother, who had raised Lisa by herself after being abandoned by her boyfriend at 17, and who also felt depressed after Lisa’s birth told Lisa it was probably just a bad case of “exhaustion,” and immediately rushed to Lisa’s side to take care of the kids so Lisa could rest.

But unbeknown to Lisa and her mother, there was a chemical in heavy existence in both of their bodies right after the births of children born in similar circumstances–breastfeeding, alone and heartbroken–that may have played a part in their depression as well.

After childbirth, a woman’s level of oxytocin rises dramatically and her entire being goes into touch-response overdrive. But if the touch-response activity is not reciprocated, perhaps because she is physically–or feels mentally–alone, the levels can fall drastically, throwing her hormones off-balance and causing an emotional whirlwind.

Scientists say this sudden surge of oxytocin without reciprocal touch-response can cause the same empty, alone and even disgusted feeling that can come from a one night stand when there is no one to cuddle with afterward.

And sadly for Lisa, there is no one to hold or comfort her after long days of taking care of three children, sometimes for 24 hours straight.

Steven doesn’t come around much anymore. He stopped by once during their daughter’s first week of life to drop off a box of diapers and she hasn’t since him since, because Steven has already “bonded,” or rather, “re-bonded”, with another woman–the mother of his second child who he was still seeing while he was dating Lisa.

Now Lisa is left alone, again. And maybe, forever.

All African-American single mothers are not Lisas.

In fact, studies into the relatively new (occurring within the last 50 years) trend of single motherhood show that, of the 70% of African-American children being born out of wedlock many are born to women in long-term partner relationships or to successful career women who feel they’ve exhausted their dating options, and, hearing the ticking of their biological clock, opt purposefully and thoughtfully for single motherhood.

But for uneducated mothers like Lisa without resources or opportunities for advancement, and who may have been sexually abused or poorly fathered–which may explain what often attracts these women to poorly fathered men–single parenthood plus youth and lack of familial and economic stability can be a disastrous mix.

Often for women like Lisa, the only joy and feelings of acceptance they receive comes from their children, but without adequate resources these women may be putting these children on a road to disaster before they’re even born.

Research suggests children from single parent homes are more likely to engage in crime, especially if living among other single parent families, more likely to drop out of school, start having sex at younger ages and are even more likely to be sexually assaulted as children.

Serial parenthood and having multiple sex partners can also be emotionally damaging.

The oxytocin-laced “pair bonding” mechanisms in our brain are, in a way, like Velcro. When the human brain attempts to pair-bond too often, these binding agents can become fragile and weakened to the point where the brain becomes less able to bond on a broader level beyond sex.

If Lisa decides to date seriously in the future, her brain may in fact be molded by the breaking of these bonds to no longer accept the deep emotional attachment necessary for life-time commitment.

Sex is a personal choice, but the ever-present chemicals released during the act allow the possibility of becoming emotionally attached to sex partners in a deeper way than most of us realize. In other words, even if you tell yourself it’s just sex, your body may think differently. And cause you to think differently as well.

Love, whatever it may be (physical, emotional, both and more?) is caused by a multitude of factors and is not just dependent on chemicals like oxytocin. But if Lisa had been more aware of the influential chemicals in her brain that were subliminally swaying her to compulsively seek her self-worth between her legs, she might have made better decisions.

I hope Lisa’s story will open up some much needed discussion about the science of sex, and perhaps help a few, or even, just one woman who reads this to no longer be blinded by it.

*Written for No Wedding, No Womb.

Currently, R&B sensation and American Idol winner Fantasia’s affair with a married man and Alicia Keys’ dalliance with Swizzy before they got married are bringing this subject to the forefront of the black blogosphere.

Fantasia with Antwaun Cook in January 2010

I had a friend once who used to date married men. She was an attractive dark-skinned woman, who worked out and was into sports — and sports players — including her sometimes (when he wasn’t with his wife) man.

When I asked her why she would sleep with a married man, she said she liked “the gifts, casual sex and the lack of serious attachment”.

For a young lady on the go and about her business, I could see how that might seem like an ideal set up.

But what about his wife? And his kids? I asked.

“What about ‘em?” my friend said, side-eyeing me with her left eyebrow high in the air. “I don’t care about them, as long as he’s good to me.”

Just Be Good to Me

When my friend said that, I immediately thought about the lyrics to another popular song about cheaters, the 80s SOS band smash, “Just Be Good to Me“.

The song, which features a monster R&B groove rising and falling over heavy synthesizers, tells the story of a young woman enamored with a man who “may have many others”, but she shelves thoughts of him cheating as long as the man agrees to “just be good” to her.

Over the years, I’ve had more friends…mostly black women I might add…who’ll sometimes call to tell me about a great guy they just met, and in the midst of gushing over this man, eventually a small dent in this new knight’s armor will be casually revealed: “He’s perfect! Except…did I mention that he’s married?”

And just like a film director, I already know what my friend is about to say next. It’s the same phrase I hear over and over from friends who date married men, as if they all read the same script.

My friend adds quickly, pushing the string of words out so fast it’s almost like one: “ButHe’sSeparatedFromHisWifeSoIt’sNotLikeHe’s really married…”

Really?

I’ve often wondered why so many of my friends seem to find nothing wrong with dating married men, and when I say “married men” I also include men who claim to be “separated”, because “separated” does not equal “divorced”.

Is the dating crisis for black women really that severe that we’re driven to share men? Or is there something deeper going on?

Fantasia performing

Fantasia Barrino is a dark skinned black woman of amazing vocal talent from the south, North Carolina to be exact, who grew up poor with the black church as her backbone.

While I don’t know Fantasia or anything about her life other than the facts I’ve already mentioned, I’m going to venture to guess a few things about her.

1. She probably grew up having her hair fried with a straightening comb every week as a child before she was deemed “old enough” at age 8 or 9 to have her hair coated with toxic chemicals for 30 minutes every month in order to straighten it, with particular attention paid to straightening the “naps” in her ““kitchen”.

2. More than likely, she was often made to feel inferior because of her dark skin, and may have even been advised to use bleaching creams or to “stay out of the sun so you don’t get darker”.

3. Someone may have even advised her to tuck her lips in so they didn’t protrude as much, or, as my grandmother used to tell me, “pinch your nose a little every night so maybe it’ll get straighter”.

How can I say these things? Because Fantasia’s upbringing, more or less, was my upbringing.

And while our stories are exactly not the same, I know one thing: the stories of black women who grew up poor in the South are, in many ways, more alike than they are different.

I have no doubt Fantasia’s low self-esteem caused by her –our– upbringing contributed to her extreme attachment and devotion to this married man, who, as a church-going woman, Fantasia should have automatically backed away from. But why didn’t she?

Friends…Tell Me I Am Crazy…

Ok. I’m not even going to front and act like I can’t see what the attraction is. Antwaun Cook is one fine brother.

When Fantasia met Antwaun at his T-Mobile store in Charlotte, she no doubt was swept off her feet by someone that was attracted to her blackness, her full lips, wide hips and take-me-as-I-am Carolina girl attitude. (And maybe even her money and fame…shhhh…).

Fantasia, star of VH1′s Fantasia For Real and the Oprah Winfrey produced Broadway play The Color Purple is a young mom, and she may have been longing for a successful man for years, but has had to devote most of her time to taking care of her daughter and to her career.

Maybe she just wanted to be put on a pedestal for a change by someone who could make her feel taken care of. As a black woman, I get it.

And in exchange for having this “He’s perfect! Except…” man in her life –who probably made this once little black church girl feel like the most beautiful woman in the world– she was willing to overlook the fact that this man was not yet legally free.

Now Fantasia’s life seems to be falling apart, and I wonder if she thinks it was worth it.

Apparently there’s a sex tape starring Fantasia and Antwaun in existence, Antwaun broke it off with her (though they’ve been spotted together recently) and a lawsuit currently being brought against Tasia by the current Mrs. Cook could cost Fantasia millions.

The publicity surrounding the affair, sex tape and lawsuit has put Fantasia in a deep depression. She even made an attempt on her own life. And in the midst of her nightmare, some people have even joked that she’s learning lessons from the Alicia Keys guide to dating.

And through it all, I’m guessing that the worst part of this, at least for Fantasia, is the fact that the man who’s last name she has tattooed on her left shoulder is still married, albeit separated.

Where has he been throughout this controversy? Has he come to her rescue in the media? Where is her knight now?

Fantasia’s heartache saddens me, for several reasons. One, Fantasia is a fellow young black woman from North Carolina who reminds me a lot of myself because we both know what it’s like to grow up black and poor in this state.

Two, Fantasia’s story reminds me of the first friend I mentioned.

Eventually, my friend’s sometime man, who seemed to be in a perpetual state of “separation,” finally got a divorce. And soon after his divorce, he wasted no time in getting hitched again — to someone else.

My friend, who thought she had been “unattached” in their relationship, realized she had indeed become very attached, and was heartbroken.

Women become involved with married men for a myriad of complex reasons. I just wish Fanstasia the best, and if I could talk to Fantasia today I would say Fantasia, please take care of yourself, and your child, and let that man stay where he is until he’s legally free.

Because when a man is truly ready to leave a woman, he doesn’t just get separated, he gets divorced.

What do you think about women dating married men? Is it ever ok?

Do you think black women date more married men than women of other ethnicities?

Do you think Mrs. Cook is right in pursuing a lawsuit against Fantasia?

Other thoughts? Comments? I’d love to hear from you.

Dave Chappelle with wife & kids

Cross-cultural love in the US is nothing new. Before the advent of slavery, the US was home to immigrants from all over seeking a better life, and it wasn’t unusual to see interracial couples among Native Americans and European and African immigrants.

It was only after slavery became a fact of American life that laws against inter-marrying were put into effect, with most of these laws remaining on the books well after the official end of slavery in 1865.

Some however, refused to bow to legislation telling them who they could love.  Like Frederick Douglass.

Frederick Douglass with wife Helen (seated) and her sister Eva

After Douglass’ African-American wife Anna died in 1882, he fell into a depression and turned to friends like Ida B. Wells and Helen Pitts, his clerk in the office of the Recorder of Deeds in Washington (to which he had just been appointed under President Garfield), to help him get his zest for life back.

Pitts, the daughter of Douglass’ abolitionist friends Gideon and Jane Pitts, was a suffragist and had co-edited a radical feminist publication in DC called The Alpha prior to working for him.

In 1884, Douglass, 70, incited a scandal by marrying the Caucasian Pitts, who was 20 years his junior.

Blacks and whites across the country either hailed the Douglass-Pitts union as revolutionary, or decried it as an affront to both races. In addition to facing criticism from the racially divided, post-slavery public, they also faced it from their own families.

Despite their abolitionist beliefs, Mrs. Douglass’ parents were so against the marriage they stopped speaking to her, effectively disowning her; Douglass’ children disapproved because they felt his marriage was a “repudiation” of their late mother.

When I look at the photo of Douglass and his white wife, at once, I can see their union as a marriage untainted by the barbarity that was slavery, and imagine myself as a black woman of the late 1800s just getting used to my white-mandated “freedom”–perhaps as a domestic worker, serving them at White House dinners or the homes of Douglass’ wealthy friends–feeling a 19th century wince seeing this good black man with this white woman.

And I can’t help but wonder if sisters in 1884 were having the same conversations surrounding interracial marriage many of us are having today.

Whites certainly were.

In the Feb. 28th, 1884 edition of the Nation Magazine, marriage between black men and white women was actually posed as an answer to Caucasians’ “negro problem”, and a black preacher ominously recounts reasons a rash of such marriages would be disastrous for black women.

Article on Frederick Douglass' marriage to Helen Pitts in the Nation Magazine, Feb. 28, 1884.

Translation:

Black men marrying white women could solve our “Negro problem” and cause black women to go crazy because no one will marry them!

An early version of the–insert negative adjective like [bitter, angry, bitchy] here–black woman crisis, anyone?

Whether or not this scheme of getting more black men to marry white women was ever set in stone, the idea certainly seems to have taken root.

Duke Ellington and wife

In fact, a new Pew study, “Marrying Out” (released 0n 6-5-10, updated on 6-15-10), reports that interracial marriage is on the rise, with 1 of out of every 7 new US marriages being interracial or inter-ethnic unions.  And out of those interracial marriages involving a black male,  that black male, represents 22% of all newly married black men in the US.

In other words, 1 out of every 5 black American men is now marrying a non-black woman.

Richard Pryor with wife Jennifer

Below is a graph I made by inputting the percentages of black men out-marrying since 1980, against the years these numbers were calculated (1980, 2000, 2008). The graph shows that within the last 28 years, the number of black men out-marrying has taken a swift upward trajectory.

This graph represents 7.9% of black men out-marrying in 1980, 15.7% in 2000 and 22% in 2008.

Although exact figures are difficult to come by, I can only imagine that in the 115 years from the end of slavery in 1865 to 1980–the years during which most most US States had anti-miscegenation laws in place –that the number of black men out-marrying hovered well below 7%.

The closest statistic I could find on the number of black men out-marrying before 1980 was from 1960, which stated that in that year, a mere 1% of black male and female newlyweds combined married non-blacks.

So what’s behind the sudden rise in black men marrying non-black women? The statistics beg the question: Was the reason black men didn’t marry non-black women in these high numbers in the past, simply because they couldn’t?

Since the number of black men out-marrying jumped approximately 14% over 28 years (from 1980 t0 2008), this might represent a trend, and if it does, with this current trajectory black male out-marrying could grow at a rate of about 2% per year.

Dr. Dre and wife

If this pattern continues, the number of black men out-marrying by 2025 could be roughly 1 out of 2 (52%). According to the Pew study, only 9% of black women married in 2008 wed non-blacks.

And those numbers don’t even account for the number of black men just dating white women.

Eric Benet and girlfriend

Something about this just doesn’t feel right, though I’m hard-pressed to explain why.

Especially considering that I’m already involved, so none of these men or who they choose make a difference to me anyway.

And I know it’s 2010. We have a black president, and our first black Disney princess. These, supposedly, are signs that our country is racially moving onward and upward, beyond these petty conversations about who desires who.

I get it.

But while my mind tells me I have no right to feel anything about who these men choose to love–because every couple falls in love for different reasons–I’m still curious: Why do so many of our successful fathers, sons and brothers not seem to want us?

Brian McKnight and girlfriend

The burden for this phenomenon cannot, despite media attempts to manipulate this as a “black woman’s problem”, be squarely placed on sista’s shoulders. And it’s gotta be deeper than black men being tired.

Babyface and girlfriend

So why does it seem like so many black men are flocking to non-black women? Is it something we’re doing wrong? Or are some black men just not right?

Prince and girlfriend

And with the rest of America mixing so fast outside of the black population that a new beige majority is slated to replace the dominant white power structure over the next 100 years, what if black men are absorbed by the beige-dominant culture? Where will that leave black women?

Thanks for reading this super long entry.

All pics in this entry borrowed from, and many, many thanks are due to, A Field Negro. Be sure to check out his gallery for an eye-opening look at dozens of black men historically and currently linked to non-black women.

Questions:

Is this trend of black male out-marriage a problem? Or are people just making it one?

Were you aware of the growing numbers of black men out-marrying?

Why do you think black women, even though there are more of us than black men, have not out-married as much as black men?

Are you a brother who’s bothered when sisters date or marry out, even though you might date or marry non-black women?

Other thoughts? Comments? Let’s discuss. I’d love to hear from you.

Not who you think it is.

I was watching the Wendy Williams show a while back and Real Housewife of Atlanta cast member Nene Leakes was on the show. Wendy, acting probably off of a tip, pressed Nene to reveal who the bi-sexual housewife was to which Nene coyly replied, “Oh, someone on the show is bi-sexual?” or something like that. Well, months later the bi-sexual housewife has finally been revealed to those outside of Atlanta. It’s the sixth housewife.

I don’t follow sports that much but the murder of Steve McNair is big news so apparently this guy was something special. His body was found yesterday along with the body of a woman, his girlfriend of several months, Sahel Kazemi, nearby.

New reports are circulating that McNair’s death was a murder-suicide, with Kazemi being the perpetrator.

Such a shame. A waste of a fine and professional black man. And whether or not his wife Mechelle knew about Kazemi is/was their business, it’s just a shame this trick flipped and killed this man if reports are true.

Sometimes, you just have to play your position, and understand going into a situation with a married man what your position is. And leave it at that. In the photo here, all respect for the dead, she looks crazy. It’s all in the eyes.

Unfortunately for many men, this type of sexy/crazy thing some woman have going on is a big turn on. Men need to learn from this. Sometimes it’s better to have one in the hand, then two in the bush.

Technorati Tags: steve mcnair,celebrity death,affairs gone wrong

Anyway, about Hillary Clinton. She has a lot of nerve. How in the hell is she supposed to control this country and she can’t control her man? My husband knows he better take a bullet to the dome before he ever embarrasses me in public like that. I would slit my own clit off before I cheated on my husband. Cheating on your spouse to me is the utmost in despicableness, because you are not just cheating on that person, you are cheating on your children. Besides, my husband can’t get enough of me! I take our relationship very seriously, like a job, and take pride in being a good wife.

Not to say that Bill’s indiscretion’s are Hillary’s fault, but what kind of example does it set for young women to see older women constantly letting their men dog them out over and over, yet “standing by their man”! Fuck that shit! Men have to understand that women will not stand for that much longer if misogyny is going to ever wane in this country. I don’t think misogyny will ever really end, but women are still not fully considered equal in this country and when women like Hillary — the “smart” ones — continue to allow this kind of abuse, no wonder so many women without her resources are suffering the consequences!

BTW, this is totally off the subject but here’s some interesting reading about Bill and Hillary and their alleged Illuminati Witchcraft practices.

del.icio.us: adultery, bill clinton, hillary clinton, pussy control, illuminati, witchcraft